I remember all those times I got up early in the morning to catch that train to Dublin, that plane to Germany, that bus to Belfast, that taxi to the end of nowhere in Fermanagh, to serve your wishes.

The truth is, I don't know who I am, and until I sort that out, I'll always have my doubts that I love you. They say I don't matter when it comes to you, and they're right. Who remembers our names until they have to study us in order to benefit themselves? I plastered you on my ceiling for all to see, and it told me who the selfish ones were. Those who instantly said "Oh I should do that" instead of just looking at you. They may have seen something inspirational, but they don't bother thinking, do they? Their loss, I figure.

Selfism is something I cannot understand, or control. It has taken me a while to realise that's what has been bothering me all these years, but NOW I understand, and it's a very dark comprehension. I wanted to stay with you - it's funny how we want something bad to happen, just so we can have you. Can't everybody just be happy. You don't help the world, you forsake it. Sometimes you don't need to be there. People don't need to see you, when they can't do anything about what you're showing.

The world is plagued. My father always said "Why are you showing me that? I don't want to see that, because I don't have to see that." And now I finally understand him.

Never again will I force myself to do something I don't want to do. The consequences are soothingly my own fault, and at least may be exciting or interesting.

My battle with understanding selfism will take some time. And I hope I work it out, because boy am I losing trust in everybody, including myself. Taking notes from people...listening to what they have to say...seeing the needy child in people...

I don't want to live in a mindset that everybody is selfish and they don't care for each other. If I ever become apathetic, I will become the product of my own experimentation. Why does this bother me so much? Can't I just be normal and not spend every day of my life thinking about this when I talk with people? ...

When I walk down the street, I hate every single second. I don't mean to be a pessimistic cunt but the way I think about society really stops me from being happy. When I see someone else sad, it will inevitably make me sad as well. Why are they sad? Have they got a problem like me? There is one girl in my class called Tai and she never speaks. She sits in the corner and does not include herself in the class. I feel so bad for her, yet I feel I would offend her if I asked what's wrong.

I haven't been to that class for a while now...I just can't stand taking photographs anymore. The beauty has been ripped out of it all by the pressures of deadlines, and a lack of incoming interest. There are a few people in my class who will go far, because they have it down. Their lifestyle is suited to that of a journalist...they talk a lot, put work before anything else and they are willing to learn. Everybody has their own characteristics however and the people who won't do well in that class will certainly do well in life. They just need time and space to grow.

I don't like being lazy - I also don't like not working. But I despise working a job I hate. A job should be fun. An enthused employee will naturally do a much better job. People who dislike what they do should stop instantly and train themselves to do what they want. There are countless resources out there to do just that.

I am selling all of my camera equipment apart from the EOS 300V (film) and the 24-70mm Sigma. I am doing this because someone else can benefit from it more than I am now. I don't want to show people life anymore. God this journal is depressing, I am sorry!

I chose the wrong path in life. I used to LOVE taking photographs, absolutely adored doing it. Until money started edging its way in there. I should have taken a regular course of study and kept this as a hobby. I have injured my creativity immensely, and I pray it comes back home. You can take your time, just come back some time - there is always a place for you here in the antechamber of my mind. Good beer, too.

On Monday I am going to attend a lecture in another of the University's campi. The lecture is in the course Interactive Games Design. I'm fucking excited to see what they do there.

Peace to everyone, and if there is one thing I can tell you this morning may it be this:

Don't ever study something you don't like. It will only make you feel misplaced, confused and lost. Research your mind. Take time at it, and don't rush.